Siouxsie's Space











{January 12, 2015}   The One Where the Sun Is My Enemy

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This morning when the sky
Was fading from black to purple
I sat and watched the shadows
In my living room

I watched until the line of pink and
Orange
Moved across the entire floor
(The floor that hasn’t been swept)
Until it touched the chair I was sitting in.

I moved away
Feeling as though the light
Was not for me
Partly because I don’t deserve it
But also because I don’t want
To be illuminated.

No sunlight to shine on
My inadequacies
(Or even on my face.)
I shy away from the windows
And turn off the lights.

I hear my love breathing deeply
In the next room
Sleeping peacefully
And I am jealous.
Not of him,
But of his ability to let life go
Even for a few hours.

I hear neighbors leaving for work
And children walking to the bus stop
The sun is shining full on now
And the glare sends me to another corner
Where it cannot reach.

Every morning I wake, thinking
“Today is the day I become
A better me. Today is when
I start my real life.”

But really, today is just
Another day where I
Disappoint
Myself.

I wonder what
I can change that will fix it.
Is it broken?
Am I?
My love sighs gently,
Stirs in his sleep.

I get up from my dark corner
And move to start
Preparing to face the day head on.

Instead, I sleep until nightfall.

-sll
1/12/2015
8:10pm

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