Siouxsie's Space











{February 11, 2015}   “You Need a Break”, or How I Managed to Get Broken

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Today, a doctor told me
That it may be advisable
For me to go somewhere
“For a few days”
To
Rest.

“Mental exhaustion”
Brought on by physical pain.
That was her diagnosis.
After 15 years?
Really?

Seems like I was more
Exhausted when my kids
Were babies,
But I’m no doctor.

I politely declined her
Invitation to a straight jacket.
And spent the rest of the day
Crying.
And sleeping.

But mostly, crying.

NOW I’m exhausted.
I don’t believe that
I’m crazy.
(And I don’t think SHE
Believes it, either
.)

But, after so long,
It may be possible
That I’m exhausting HER.
She can’t help,
And she HAS tried.

All that’s left is to
Grasp at straws.
And gods know,
My head is full of THAT.
So–

Now,
I am resting.
Not well,
Not happily.
But I’m doing it.

I would rather listen
To my son play music,
Or tell me about new games.
Hear my daughter rant
and tootle her flute.

Or my other son yell
At League of Legends
And play trombone.
And if you have ever listened
To trombone scales –

You KNOW that
Means I would rather do
ANYTHING.
(Enforced rest
Is stressful.
)

I want to go to a concert
And dance until I fall down.
Sing at the top of my lungs
Until someone asks me
To
Quiet
Down.

But lying here,
Doing nothing.
It WILL
Be the thing that drives me
Over
The
Edge.

I miss me.
I wonder where
I’ve gotten to.
If you see me,
Let me know.

~sll
2/11/2015

With sincere apologies to everyone who depends on me, and to my doctor, who I actually love like an old friend…

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GeminiPearl says:

Let’s run away to together.
Let’s go chase down those concerts. I think I still have my leather boots and jacket tucked away somewhere in this damn closet, although the stonewashed jeans are 4 sizes too small now. *sigh*
And yes. I’m sitting IN my closet right now. It’s where I go to find safety and solace. My closet is my “thinking room”.
Mental exhaustion. Well at least she was kind enough to put it that way. My doctor wouldn’t say anything. Didn’t even make eye contact. She just wrote out a prescription for Lithium and said have a nice day.
No. You’re not crazy. Don’t EVER believe that for one second. But I DO know how exhausting it is when everyone keeps telling you that you ARE, but you KNOW your not, and that you need to “rest”. THEY are exhausting.
If I were there, I would dance with you until we BOTH fell down. We would sing so loud while you beat on your drums and then we would headbang until our heads rolled right off.

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Siouxsie says:

This comment went into my spam folder. I’m not sure why. 😦

But I have to ask – did you take the lithium? It’s the only one so far I haven’t taken, have been afraid to go “flat”.

And I tend to spend a lot of time in the closet hiding lately. Any chance you will have some time to visit this year? If you come in May through August (any time) the pool will be open and we can chillax, and go to clubs AND make noise!

Love you so much!
XOXOXO

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Siouxsie says:

Did I already mention that I love you? 🙂 I have been working on a poem about you for a couple of weeks now, it just isn’t right yet.

I hope that when it’s finished, it will be able to do you some sort of real justice…

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