Siouxsie's Space











{January 14, 2015}   The One Where I Forget Who I Am

2015/01/img_2237.jpg

If there was one thing
That I could convey to you
Without fear of reprisal
Or getting the look.
(You know the one.)
It’s that I am in pain and hurting
And I don’t want to discuss it.

“Poor you. I’m so sorry you are hurting.”
Fuck that. Let’s talk about football. Makeup,
I don’t care what else.

Because the truth is
I don’t care anymore.
I can’t seem to convey
How little the pain matters at this point.

I want to pretend it doesn’t exist.
Go on as though I am fine.
Because the sympathy and sad looks
Make me feel
oh

so

small.

I hurt.
I do.
And I feel angry,
Some days so much that I can’t contain it.
I try to hide it.
I try to hide myself.

Someone always wants to drag me back.
Or farther down.

I’m pretty sure the bottom of this well
Is dried and cracked
And that when I get there
I’ll just be more injured
And parched.
So let be. Let go.

It’s not the politically correct way
To state it.
But I wish I had more drugs.
Something that would take the pain
And the upset
And the exhaustion
And kick it right in the ass.

Unfortunately, all I have
Are my words.
And they alone are my salvation
In this place.

And it turns out words are a crappy
Replacement for morpheine.

-sll
1/13/2014
11:49pm

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Autumn Rose says:

Wonderful poem. You write beautifully. Love this. I love you too.

Liked by 1 person



Siouxsie says:

Thank you, love. I miss you TONS! Love you.

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vrakesh83 says:

good…..

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Siouxsie says:

Thank you so much! 🌹

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Hi Siouxsie, I have been on Prozac and Wellbutrin for nearly thirty years for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, BiPolar Disorder and Paranoid Personality Disorder. Like you, I hate being asked what’s wrong, or asked if I want to discuss it. I don’t know what’s wrong, that’s why I take medication — sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Sleep often proves to be the best medicine.

Send me a message anytime you want to rant to a stranger who understands dacardiff@gmail.com

Love,
Dennis

Liked by 1 person



Siouxsie says:

Dennis –

I am bipolar, and have trigeminal neuralgia. None of the meds they have EVER given me for the bpd have helped. And most made it worse.

As for the trigem, the only thing that works is massive amounts of pain meds, and I try to avoid that (bc of addiction). So I understand.

I really wish the doctors would stop “practicing”‘on me, and actually figure out what’s wrong. 🙂

Thanks for the support! XOXOXO

Siouxsie

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